my stuff

instead of not writing it down, i've decided to put my weird poems and my songs here.

because everyone needs an outlet

^_^


half a heart

I do not feel platonic love for you.
Nor do I hate you.
Which is why this heart will always remain the same.

BROKEN.

Only when you complete the hearts i leave as halves.
Will i be well and truely.

FREE.

is it really that wrong?


society tells me it's wrong to love you,
but they don't know you like i do.
they tell me i should move on with my life, to turn away.

but you know i won't.

i continue to smile at you when your back is turned,
i continue to put my hand down when you walk near my side,
in hopes you'll hold it again.

i continue to believe in this insane fairytail.

i continue to believe.

in LOVE.

please tell me


you've said you loved me many times,
you told me you stopped because i didn't love you.

LIES

you knew from day one,
the words on my lips.
the way i relaxed,
when you were just.

THERE.

but it's all gone now,
but i still hope.
you push me away and then pull me back.
i believe you love me.

but then i ask myself,
that one question.
the one answer i'm scared to receive.

did you ever?

( gah i'm so depressing x_X

you're all probably sick of my weird poems already ne?

but once i start venting i can't stop

and i guess it's better than crying it all out right?

which i really don't need cause my hayfevers acting up badly *sneezes* x_X )

No! >:O Write it down. get it all out

Nice. Keep writing I will definitly keep readin :-)

gone

you who taught me how to be a pirate,
you who taught me how to colour inside the lines.
you who taught me how to respect the army,
you who called me grandaughter.

i salute you sir.

i do not remember much of you.
but i do remember seeing you in your bed, a smile one your face.

as you slept.

the longest 'nap' you would ever have been on.

we visited your grave, i put some flowers on it.

i haven't been since the first time.
but i plan to one day.

i want to be able to face the tears i do every time i think about you in person as i stand in front of your grave.

give me time,
and i will find my courage.

i love you grandad.

i promise.

and you,
the one who stood by me since i was in my mothers womb,
you who protected me from everything and eveyone.
you who were in many ways, my big sister.
you who showed your love violently.
you who i'll never be able to visit.

because we scattered your ashes somewhere.
i don't know where.

but i know you watch me.

with your tail swishing and your ears perking at everything i do.

to my cat cleo.

my almost 16 year old cat,
who died on my last day of year 6.

you were the biggest influence in my life.

and i don't care what people say about you.

you were never my pet or 'just a cat.'

you were my big sister.

and my best friend since birth.

i love you.

(thanks girls ^_^ currently i'm crying at that last one.

cause i don't really talk much about what i feel or what i think about some things. but i just need to gat some things off my chest every now and then )

O sad. I LOVE IT!!!!

one picture is all i need


i'm an only child by blood.
but the youngest by age.
i'm the oldest in life.
but you're the oldest in death.

i wish i could wake up and it'd all be a dream.
but that's selfish of me and i know it.

years ago i took a picture of you and brought it into class.
i told them all about you.
i prided myself on my big sister.

my best friend.

the picture was a happy memory.
i had put a box in the livingroom and put a blanket in it.
you hopped straight iin.

no questions.
no reason.

you just.

did it.

and i remember how happy you looked, to have your own space i'd made for you.

even though you slept wherever you wanted.
mostly my chair.

and then we took the picture.

your eyes weren't green or yellow.

but pure blue.

as blue as the morning sky and as clear as the sea.

and then you left.

i won a frame as a prize at an arcade.
it said all it needed too.

MISS YOU.

i put your picture in the frame.

and when i cry i clutch it because it makes me feel secure.

because even if i take photos of my two cats now whenever i get the chance.

and i take as many as i can of people i love because it hurts only having one thing to remember you by.

but then i realise.

i only need one photo anyway.

Dude im going to cry and I dont do that often

( GAH!

sorry～!

i don't mean to make anyone other than myself - and even that's unintentional - cry at these!

i can move onto happier topics if t'd help～)

(No its fine. I dont mind. If I cry I cry. If I dont I dont. Dont change em because your afraid theyll make people cry because some times cryings a good thing.)

( ^^″ alright then but dunnae say ah diddenay warn yeh lassie～!)

glamorous


i can't put a new battery in my mp3 player.
it sounds stupid but.

it has something on there.

that i can't listen to.

fergie sung a song called glamorous.
and i loved it.
and i listened to it a lot.

but i can't hear it until i deem myself strong enough.

because i used to put an ear bud on the floor.
and you would lie next to it.

and sleep as i kept it on repeat.

you'd put your paw on it if i dared to move the earbud.

secretly i think you were a human trapped in a cats body.

because even with the grouchiest cat in the world

music was comforting.

forgive me.


i know it 'isn't my fault.'
people say this to me alot when i bring it up.

but.

i can't help but feel it it.

i knew something was wrong with you,
you weren't eating or drinking much.
you were sleeping so much more.

i should have demanded on day one that we take you to the vet.

perhaps then it would feel less painful.

that day you just lay in my room, we offered you food.

you wouldn't take it.

we gave you some water.

you took careful sips.

seeing someone so strong...

fall and become so...
weak.

right before my eyes.

it was painful.

i knew the last day of school, when my mom took you to the vets and when they picked me up at the end of the day.

i asked about you.

they said to wait till i got home.

they sat me down and told me.

at first i despised them both.

they put you down, without even wondering.

if i wanted to say goodbye first.

they gave a second option of keeping you alive for a while.

but i knew why they turned it down.

i wouldn't be able to bring you home selfishly and inflict such pain on you.

i really would be watching you die and wither away.

but even so.

i cried that night.

i cried that entire month. every night.

i couldn't bear your loss.

i still feel like it's my fault and not the idiot who putdown rat poison.

i still feel like i was the one who killed you, because i left it till too late.

but you showed me it was ok.

you came to me several times.

even in death i can still see you.

but that moment i picked you up.

regardless of the fact you were meant to be nothing but a spirit.

i felt the wheight.

i felt your big fat stomach.

and in a way.

i felt you forgave me.

even if i still don't forgive myself for it.

it's nice to know your still my best friend.

Wow that is heart breaking. So sad. I love it. You are really good. But it seems more like a story or a song. But still good all the same.

( you guys all probably find it weird that i'm writing about my cat.

but she was with me literally since my birth. and i thought someone really hated me to pull her away from me when i wasn't even 12 ( she was though.... the cat was 6 months older than me e_o ) and i knew she would've died anyway.

but i would've been happy to have had her there for my 13th.

so i could finally say 'i'm a teenager too fleabag!' because at the age of 2 she was already 14 in cat years...

it might seem strange to you guys but she was with me through a lot of the bad stuff in my life and she stayed and kept me sane.

because a cat is smarter - no ooffence doggy lovers - than a dog.

it feels no obligation to stay even if it's wanted.

so if a cat stays with you for as long as she stayed with me. - even on the very last day of her life she didn't leave my side till i left for school -

you should feel blessed.

because her kittens felt the need to leave us but it was their choice.

but she stayed with me through everything)

( this is just me talking about my life in the only way i can that doesn't show how weak i really feel on these kinds of things.

but thanks dear～)

I usually don't like poems but yours saff i love. <3 there so beautiful and sad but have so much felling in them, its just amazing! (oh by the way, HI SAFF! >.> really long time since the last time we talked! =D )

( thanks britterz～

there's so much feeling in them because..

it's me.

and yes we haven't spoken in ages! *hugs* )

(*glomps* <3 I HAVE MISSED YOUR AWESOMENESS! how has school been any one else i need to add to my hit list for when i go to england? but on a side note~ it is so nice to talk to you again! ;D )

(*glomps* <3 I HAVE MISSED YOUR AWESOMENESS! how has school been any one else i need to add to my hit list for when i go to england? but on a side note~ it is so nice to talk to you again! ;D )

( yeah about 10 more people ¦D *hugs* missed yew nee chan～!)

(LOL XD <3 you do know i seriously had a note pad with a list of people who where mean to you. saddly it got deleted when my old laptop burned out </3)

( awwwwww <3

love you nee chan～!)

(<3 love you to! May 25 is are friendship day thing. XD still cant believe we have been friends for almost 4 years. XD i remember how we meet like it was just yesterday. X3)

spidercat


within my mind,
i can recall a fonder time.
a time when you were alive,
a time when i could feel like the smile was.

real.

you were just a kitten then,
but you were so unusual.
you demanded chocolate,
you stole ice cream from our own mouths.

you actually ran up the walls and the ceiling just to taste the sweet concoctions.

and this is why above everything.

chocolate and vanilla ice cream soothes me.

because i know,
somewhere.

the spiderman themesong is played.

and for every man.

there is,
and always will be.

a cat.

heartbreak


i'm in love.
my heart is still intact because of you.

but it's not you,
my alessa,
no, your claudia has not broken because of you today.

but rather,
she, or i, if you must insist ,
has broken because a life was offered to this family.

and i cry as i type this alessa,
because we could not take it.
a little ball of fur,
big eyes and a twitchy nose.

father rang.
mother answered.

they talked.

and withouut bothering to see how i felt,
the ball of fur was quickly tossed out the metaphorical window.

my father still at work rang back
my fears confirmed.
we all wanted it.

but it's selfish for all of us.

cleo.

i clutch your picture,
wondering if perhaps that could've been another you,
your reincarnation.

and then i realise

you'd never leave my side unless you knew for certain you were coming home.

to me.

and nim and merlin.

i would die if they fell jelous and ran away.

because i need them.

more than they need us.

and so that is why.

instead of a cat,
my mother assures me.

we might try for a husky puppy.

because at least then, i'd have a little friend.

so i'm sorry little bundle of fur.

but the next bundle we receive will be of fluff.

my little nurse

( i assure you this is NOT pervy XD)

i lie in my bed, on my ds,
even though it's obvious i'm sick.
the rest of the world thinks i'm fine.

but you don't.

you sit on the chair and watch me,
and when i'm still not asleep by 3am you jump down and stalk over to me.

you get on my bed and literally walk all over me.

because you know you can and always will.

i sigh as you settle down near my face, watching me.

i mumble a 'sorry' but you blink it away as if it's nothing.

i smile as, finally at 6am i fall asleep, hearing a gentle purr.

i hear my lullaby.

to my wench

i've known you since my 8th birthday.
i shared my interests with you and you shared yours.

you were with me at school,
and you've been on holiday with me to me second 'home'.

but even though we are going to both be 16 this year.

neither of us have changed.

i told you about her,
you accepted me.

i told you about her again,
you accepted me once more, and even encouraged it,
as a leprechaun dared us right in front of you.

you told me about them,
and i accepted you.

you told me once more,
and i teased you, as you had me.

you know all my secrets,
you know all my lies.

you know me off by heart.

to my sister from another mister.

please know, i love you dearly.

and as we always say,
and you know what i'm about to say don't you?

great minds think alike.

thank you

M.